Another installment of the series whose name changes slightly each time...mostly because I don't have the tenaciousness to go look at the last installment to see the official name. But basically I try to make funny with the news headlines on CNN. mostly I fail....but sometimes I hit it, and thats what we in the business live for....we call em slammies and boy do they ever hitcha on the funny bone....SLAMMIES!
1. Turkey Fight In The Road Filmed By State Trooper
Turkey fight...and we ain't talkin about an argument over whose picking up the booze tab between Jack Nicholson and Robert De Niro at the AARP Hollywood Bingo night. Am I Right? Anyone?
2. Racy Sex Scene Awkward With Good Friend
Rosie Perez said it was awkward to film a steamy sex scene with John Leguizamo....her good friend. At this point it's probably awkward to film any movie scenes...the last time i saw her in a film she was telling Woody Harrelson to stop street balling with Wesley Snipes...and I was like 5 when that came out, and they had a steamy sex scene...also before I was born I remember when she had a steamy sex scene in that Spike Lee film. She should make a movie called Steamy Sex Scene. Well, If "The Take" doesn't do so well, look for "Steamy Sex Scene" straight to Blu-Ray.
3. Moby Wants You On The Dance Floor!
Moby is apparently very demanding....the first line of the article goes like this:
"Moby just wants you to dance. Shake your booty. Get jiggy with it. Throw your hands in the air like you just....well, you get the idea."
I don't have much to say about Moby, save that he is amusing looking to me.
But i do have this to say, CNN; when you are done spending your time with these type of introductions...there is a man out there blogging online that you could nearly as good as that. Here's what I would have said, for example:
"Moby might be more than a man, he might be a machine....a dance machine..from the future...and he may have just reprogrammed your brain...to get on the damn floor. Well, shithead, who are you to disobey the MobyBot, huh?"
CNN...you can contact me at 407.555.1234, just kidding, thats a movie phone number...but don't let that stop you, I am available...starting now.
until next time...
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Thats The News?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Another Edition of Thats The News? Really?
24 Hours Later CNN still brings the goods, at some point I may switch news providers, but for now its so simple from where I'm sitting.
(these links are all currently displayed on www.cnn.com front page as of 6:05 Tuesday, March 25th)
1. Man Shooting Hole Through Wall Kills Wife
Deepwater Man Fatally Shoots Wife While Installing Satellite TV
This person was drilling a hole in their wall to install a satellite dish, and he just couldnt get through. So he used a handgun. The only problem being that his wife was on the other side of the wall and he killed her. Now on first glance this seems like a Darwin Awards nominee. But I think he tried to kill her, honestly, what are the chances that she would be outside of the wall. Unless he said honey, will you see if this drills straight through. Actually now im torn, he is either crazy like a fox, or a sad dummy.
2. Stubborn Homeowners Live By Oozing Volcano
The best part of this is the picture. They honestly live in the middle of a lava floe in hawaii.
In recent weeks the lava has gotten worse, their house may be incinerated, awesome. I feel like this is a movie too, cept the something much worse emerges from the volcano, something no one expected...something that will kill these people in the first 12 minutes of the movie as they galavant around their lava decks in their lava homes.
3. Miss Bimbo site allows young players to compete to become the hottest bimbo in the world (online)
You would not believe how much energy it took to prevent me from becoming the biggest bimbo in the interwebs. And this quote kills me...(paraphrased)
"people have ignored the positive aspects of the game...what about the sudoku challenges, what about loving your bimbo, sending your bimbo to college."
-The Game Creator
Equally bizarre is the CNN anchors, who arent supposed to have an opinion, ANCHORS not commentators, going nuts over it, calling it ridiculous and not right.
If you find a bimbo on there called Dani, its probably not me, but if its really tall and has beautiful brown hair...maybe.......
Monday, March 24, 2008
Its The News! according to cnn
Just picked headlines off the main page at cnn.com, which once again proves the news is ridiculous and probably mostly make believe.
1. Sarah Jessica Parker named Maxim's Unsexiest Woman
cnn.com link
I'm sure this is based on the amount of your money your girlfriend or wife spends after watching sex and the city. Nothing is less sexy than 750 dollars of Manolo Blahnik pumps, not when that 750 bones could have gone towards two xbox 360s and 10 pizzas from Little Ceazies...(and that's only approximate math).
2. "Barbie Bandits" Sentenced
cnn.com link
Two young women, exotic dancers in fact, robbed an Atlanta area bank, and they were in cahoots with a clerk there. They planned to split the money between them, I can only imagine what the clerk was gettin (am i right!). And if you don't think that Jeremy and I are already working on the script for the lifetime movie, than you absolutely have no idea what kind of people we are. The sequel, where they are in a federal prison is for SHOWTIME (hello, KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN!). But seriously, if anyone needs writers for the big screen version of this Jeremy and I can do it, and actually we are very tasteful. And Jeremy does great British accents for characters.
3. Pilots Gun goes off on flight from Denver.
cnn.com link
A pilot accidently discharged his handgun on a US Airways flight, which shot through the side of the plane. I admit that is pretty scary, not just the gun going off but that we are arming pilots...the same guys that like three times a year get busted for flying drunk. And also the same guys that lock the door to the flight deck. So they are supposed to have a loaded gun inside the flight deck, and if the rest of the plane has hostages then they open the flight deck, and shoot a gun in the plane, then the terrorists take over the plane? You might as well give my mom a gun. I'm gonna start taking John Madden's bus.