Top Chef -- Serve and Protect

I love the drama coming out on my TV show. Since Top Chef is getting further into the season I like seeing people talk shit.

Reinventing the salad for the Quickfire Challenge is a pretty hot topic. I love a good salad, as do most people. But as Padma said, the salad is in a slump

Lisa saying, "There are people here who don't deserve to be here," is ironic because I think she's the worst person still on the show. Seriously, STFU. That's why you were in the bottom three of the Quickfire [and later the Elimination Challenge].

I'm pretty psyched Spike won the Quickfire. Of course he finally wins it when there is no more immunity. Oh well, my boy is tearin' it up. And what a sweet advantage. He gets ten extra minutes to shop, as well as choosing an ingredient in each food group no one else can use. Sweet.

So the Elimination Challenge is to make some unhealthy food into a healthy meal. Spike picks bread, tomatoes, chicken, and lettuce. Thank you Andrew for saying that, "Most of the people in the house are stupid. Wahh to them, they aren't creative enough to make something. Will they have to now." I like this guy more each episode.

Whereas Antonia pisses me off more and more each episode. Sure, I'm mainly spiteful, but she bugs me even when she says things that are normal. Though I like her reading my mind and saying all Dale does is make Asian dishes. Seriously, Dale needs some variety.

I don't know if I would want to judge this competition. I'd have to spend like 40 minutes microwaving all these dishes. And again, this episode we have Ted Allen to judge, and no Gail. And I love Padma's jacket. And Padma.

It bugs me that Dale won the challenge. Yay, let's keep making Asian food until final three. Oh well, Stephanie was top two, so I can't complain.

I feel sorry for Andrew, getting chewed out at judging. Sure he studied nutrition and made a dish, but he didn't follow all the rules. But the worst was he kept arguing. Maybe humility would be a better way to go?

Spike handled the situation not well either. Chef Tom had to put him in his place, which also bugs me, but hey, Chef Tom was correct. His opinion is the one that matters. Not the ones of the officers.

And Lisa is just a bitch. No one messed with your burner. I'm glad the judges don't care.

I'm not surprised Andrew got sent home. He had a worse dish and didn't follow the rules. But God, this means Lisa is around for another week. Fucking shit.

Ideal top 3, and my prediction: Stephanie, Richard, Spike.

And because I didn't say it yet, I'm going to marry Padma.

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Top Chef -- Wedding Wars

This week the Quickfire Challenge was a relay race, which is pretty epic. I love when Dale was talking to the group, and people were complaining about making mayo. And he's like, "Why are you here?!" Brilliant, I was wondering the same thing about Nikki and Lisa.

Pretty sweet though, seeing how much work it is to peel oranges, deal with artichoke, slay that monstrous dragon into filets, and make your own mayo. However, Dale going into a tantrum upon losing is not cool.

Andrew is growing on me. I like how honest and ridiculous he is. "I have a culinary boner right now." Brilliant. I'm also a big fan of Padma's jacket. Mainly because she's wearing it, but it is still pretty fabulous.

The Elimination Challenge is a Wedding Wars theme, and I agree with Spike and his comments on Team Stephanie (I will call them that because I like her) picking the bride. Are you kidding me? The Bride Team would probably be harder, but hey, whatever.

Antonia really bugs me. "I feel like I'm in the army... peeling potatoes." GTFO of my show.

Dale kind of bugs me. He complains a lot, but honestly, most of the things he says are true. I don't like Nikki, and he's right -- she just wants to control things but not to take responsibility. Yet on the other hand, Dale needs to not bite off more than he can chew.

It's pretty ridiculous how long they cook for for this challenge. All night, yes, but all morning, as well. They have until 11:00 AM to cook, and we can assume they got up, at the latest, about 10:00 the following morning. I think no matter who you are, that would be exhausting (obviously?). Plus they have to sit through the wedding and serve at reception. Ridiculous.

Why is Ted Allen not on this episode. Seriously, this is getting old. And, WHAT is with Padma's red dress? I mean, I love me some tight clothes on beautiful women, but I think I'd rather see her in jeans and an airman jacket. The flower in her hair helps, though. Actually, we could put her in a wedding dress in preparation for our wedding. Wedding Wars for Season Five, I can see it now: Jonathan Beck and Padma Lakshmi.

As for the teams vs. each other, from when the teams were randomly picked, it was clear Team Stephanie had an advantage. It looks like their dishes tasted better, but if one thing is for sure, Stephanie's cake looked freaking awesome. And actually like a wedding cake. Not like a battleship, as Chef Tom said.

Why is Richard winning everything. Honestly, it bugs me. Give me some variety. I'm glad he gave it to Stephanie though. She's my girl. And I guess I like Richard a bit more for sharing his gift certificate.

I think a piece of helpful criticism for the editors of Top Chef would be to, regardless of who is speaking, always have the camera on Padma.

Man, Dale at the Judge's Table is kind of a bitch. Okay, I think I'm just hating cause he went at it with my boy Spike -- who actually stood up for himself, unlike the two girls on the Groom's Team. And the judges liked his dish the best, so.... yay.

Yes, I'm so glad Nikki is gone. Sent home. That was kind of my prediction, since it seems the judge's value people who step up and look down upon people who don't want responsibility, who don't accept everything that comes with their dishes greatness or failure. Remember the episode where Spike stayed and Manuel went home? Prime example.

Oh well, here's to next week!

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Top Chef -- Common Threads

This week there's some serious product placement for the 90 second Uncle Ben microwaveable rice. It's funny watching real cooks, seeing how they have to read the directions because they usually make their own pro, amazing rice. But I know that shiznit by heart and could school them in rice microwaving. I would've won the Quickfire and gotten immunity for sure.

The fact that Antonia won the Quickfire bugs me. Reality TV is so bittersweet. When the people I like win, it's fantastic, and when people I hate win, I want to scream at my television. Well, here I am, screaming. Figuratively, of course.

Elimination challenge: A meal for four that costs no more than $10. Hello, Betty Crocker Complete Meals. You can get four of them for $10. And they're supposed to feed quite a few people. Done, a dozen people fed.

Also, I would hate to work at the Whole Foods in Chicago. Watching the cooks slave at the register trying to get their food under $10 would be tedious. Then again, I would get to meet the contestants, so it would be a decent trade-off.

I don't know how I feel about kids being in the kitchen with the chefs. I mean on the one hand, they help out, but they have to have things explained to them. And they probably got in the way, and I mean kids are annoying in general. Good thing Chef Tom was there to make sure the kids did stuff, or else I'm sure some people would be like me and just tell them to stay out of the way and watch.

Yet again, a judge is missing this week. No Ted is annoying, but hey, Gail is here. Kind of frustrating.

And here we are again. Antonia winning twice in one episode is like a nightmare. Would've been nice to see Andrew win. Sigh.

I like how in the bottom three Mark called Gail out on saying his dish didn't have enough protein. Maybe it tastes bad, but vegetarian dishes should be valid every now and then. Well played, Mark. Maybe you're not the best cook, but you're a character.

Stephanie is in the bottom again. This is ruining my theories, Bravo!

I feel bad for Mark going home. Honestly, I think Stephanie did the worst. I think they give Stephanie a bit more credit because she won a few challenges. And Padma, even though you sent Mark home instead of Lisa (who I dislike), we should still get married. I won't hold a grudge.

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Top Chef -- Improv

What's the best part of every Wednesday? Well, it was Big Brother until the smart people were evicted and the morons made it to the end. Now, it's Top Chef.

The Quickfire Challenge this week was to make a dessert. How about that excessive product placement of the new Top Chef cookbook? Either way, all those desserts looked delicious. I'm sure even the 'bad' ones tasted good. I mean, no matter how you mix bananas, chocolate, and sugar, how could it taste bad? Richard wins immunity again -- yawn.

Thank God they didn't have the chefs go up on stage and do improv themselves at the comedy club. That is what the preview made it out to be. Improvising with food, that's okay. Chef doing improv comedy? Yikes. I really don't like Lisa for being like, "Well, even though they gave us Polish Sausage, I'm not doing it, we're doing something else." Grow up. You're in a competition with rules.

About Yellow Vanilla Love, "I would lick my bowl if we weren't in front of camera." Oh, Padma. I think we need a 'greatest Padma hits' Youtube compilation. I can't be the only person who'd want that, am I? Someone more technology-savvy needs to get on that. That way I can watch the video to pass time until I marry the real thing.

I do like all the weird techniques Dale has, from his homeland or wherever. I also like that he cusses a lot and is kind of a jerk. Go, reality TV.

I'm kind of annoyed Dale and Richard won the elimination challenge -- granted their dish was good but they've both won before, so I wanted to see Spike win one. Also, since he made a soup, him winning with that and rubbing it in Antonia's face would've been amazing.

Chef Tom is awesome, when Antonia said, "Well from now on..." and Tom says, "If there is a from now on." Putting contestants back in their place is fantastic.

Also, I like how you can tell what will happen in reality TV by the editing. Mark and Nikki were barely in this episode, so I knew they would not be in the top or bottom, but the middle where they don't show up later.

I almost had a heart attack when Stephanie was in the bottom two. Well, maybe that is a hyperbole, but she's my favorite to win and her going home this early would ruin my predictions! I'm glad Jen went, also because that means I don't have to keep hearing, "I'm doing this for Zoi" twenty times per episode.

Well, we'll be back next week.

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Top Chef -- Tailgating

Top Chef -- what a night. A Quickfire Challenge pairing food with beer? How could one go wrong? Kind of frustrating seeing Jennifer win, avenging the elimination of her girlfriend. When people succeed and get revenge it's so disappointing to me. I like to see failure. Spike said it best, though. "Yah, lesbians!"

The tailgating at the Bears game was a fun concept. It was disappointing to see the drama dwindling down, though now we all know Spike is gay for Mark. I mean, seriously, what straight guys take bubble baths together? Also, very funny when Ryan admitted to being a pretty metro boy. It brings me joy when reality TV characters confirm my suspicions.

Of course, Ryan ended up going home. What a joke. Sure his dish wasn't traditionally tailgate food, but at least he didn't, A) lick his spoon then continue serving with it, or B) run out of a main ingredient. This annoys me greatly.

Stephanie was in the top for both the Quickfire and Elimination challenge, again. She is still a favorite to win. However, I think the judges purposely try to divide up who wins, because people are consistently up top and the best, but lesser people win to discourage monotony. Sad.

Also, what the HELL at the poll? "Who would you rather play touch football with?" Padma, Tom, or 'Myself.' I was predicting about 89% Padma, and 11% Myself (which is coincidentally how I imagine my kids with Padma turning out), but Tom got 50% of the votes. The only explanation is a majority of women viewers and him being the default choice.

Padma in a jersey with gloves and a ponytail = lovable.

And I haven't said this before, but, I like Gail. She's a good judge.

Also unsaid previously, I'm going to marry Padma Lakshmi.

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Top Chef -- The Elements

Another great episode of Top Chef this week. These episodes are why I watch reality TV. First for the Quickfire Challenge the contestants had to taste ingredients blindfolded and say which is more expensive. It's crazy how some things were so different, i.e. $72 bottle of sake vs. $5.00. It'd be fun to try and see if I can beat some of them. Probably, I mean I could hit half of them and beat Stephanie. Maybe I should be a cook?

Antonia winning the challenge was really lame because she probably would've gone home. Stupid immunity.

The Elimination Challenge was kind of lame. The different elements? How original.

I think the Fire team did make the best dish, with the shrimp and spices and bacon. It annoys me though that Lisa was the winner, because all she did was make bacon. And yet again, Stephanie was on the winning team. She's going to win fo sho.

The Air team, well, their dish looked good, but I think it's funny how, because of time, they didn't even see the judges' table.

I liked the Earth team because my boy Spike is on it. Sure he's not the best cook but he's funny and seems like he'd be fun to hang out with. I'm glad Zoi went instead, because it was funny seeing Spike yell at Antonia since she took control even though she had immunity. Also, I like how the guest judge mentioned the soup idea (Spike's) was genius. Owned.

I think team Water just failed miserably. Boring dish, scales in the salmon. Come on. They get an F.

Great end of the episode. Lots of cussing and kicking of chairs and bitching and tears? LOVE IT. Plus, Padma looked gorgeous, so I'll let her marry me when the time comes.

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Top Chef -- Film Food

Honestly, what better theme could there be, for me, than film food? Picking a movie and using it to inspire a dish? Pretty smooth. Though, granted, it's not as exciting as it sounds.

But I'm jumping ahead. The Quickfire Challenge was entertaining, with the contestants required to make a dish of vegetables to show off skill sets. Yay for Top Chef sticking to challenges that actually measure skill!

Dale's was the best and I'm pleased he won. Sure, like ______ said (okay, I can't remember which contestant said it), knife skills aren't everything in cooking. Well, maybe, but they mean a lot.

So the Elimination Challenge was in pairs (Dale got to pick who he went with), and each pair had to pick a movie to use as a dish inspiration. The reason? They were cooking for Richard Roeper (who I seldom agree with, but that's irrelevant).

The best ones were the 'Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory' dish, which won, respectively. It's funny how the judges said that you wouldn't think any of the ingredients would go together, but they worked and tasted great. But then, the other contestants were talking shit, saying, "There's no way that tasted good." Well, this proves you can't judge a dish by its plating. And also why watching a cooking show on television stinks, but what can ya' do?

The dish for 'Top Secret!' was good, and again, keeps in line with my theory of Stephanie winning the whole thing. I also thought the 'A Christmas Story' dish was inspired, and the judges seemed to like it a lot. I was surprised it had almost no recognition.

Manuel and Spike's 'Good Morning, Vietnam' dish was indeed awful. And yes, they clearly thought of the movie after to fit their dish. Spike's one of my favorites, so I was really worried for about ten minutes. Thankfully the other guy went home.

Overall, not a bad episode. And also, I'm now one week closer to my wedding to Padma. You're all invited. (If I say it enough, will it happen?)

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Top Chef -- Block Party

The third episode of this season's Top Chef is easily the best yet. I mean, how often do you see a contestant threaten that if he goes home, security will have to drag him out?

The Quickfire Challenge was pretty boring. Fine dining tacos? I agree with the contestants in that the challenge was a bit odd. But then again, this is reality TV, so why not? Richard's dish looked like crap, and like all Top Chef episodes, I wish I could taste the food as well. And, am I the only one that thinks Richard looks like a white Forest Whitaker?



Tell me I'm not crazy?

With that said, the Block Party challenge was entertaining, though I still have gripes about elimination challenges being determined by factors with such variance (items they find in peoples' houses).

The single best line of the season came from Zoi, when talking about how she got stuck with pasta salad. "Pasta salad isn't a top dish. I'm not going to win Top Chef by making fucking pasta salad." It's actually funnier with a bleep.

The judge's table was great. I love when the judges put contestants who think they know it all into their place. "Everyone tried the salad and it was good? Well then you all have poor pallets." Owned, so hard. I like Tom more and more each episode.

Erik going home for has awful corn dogs was a solid choice. I mean, who even makes corn dogs anyway? Also, Erik's been in the low two out of three times (counting this episode), so this is good.

Stephanie winning may confirm my earlier theory that whoever wins the first challenge will win the whole show. Again, we'll see.

This episode confirms that I'm going to marry Padma. I mean, look how gracefully she dropped her s'more.

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Top Chef - Zoo Food

Episode 2 of the new Top Chef season rolled around tonight. I think for the first bit I'll comment more on the show, and then progress to contestants as they become more familiar.

(Also, I definitely plan to make use of the 'Continue reading' feature regularly, so be sure to check that shiznit out.)

Interesting quickfire challenge, with Marc (I think that's his name) forgetting an ingredient, and then winning. But is it right for the guest judge to give him more credit because he messed up and recovered? Maybe other people messed up as well but did not feel the need to bring it up. But, Marc's dish may have been the best either way. We don't know, I guess.

But that didn't matter because he placed in one of the top groups.

Interesting concept, making dishes based only on what the animal would eat -- but ultimately I still felt a lack of scope in this week's challenge. I understand how hard it is to use only limited ingredients (well, in theory), but it's still nice to see people given almost no limitations on their dishes other than perhaps a common theme. It seems more real-world. But then again, this is only 'reality TV.'

My thoughts on Valerie going home? Who really cares at this point. She was what I shall coin as a 'blend-in.'

P.S. I'm still going to marry Padma (and buy her a new wardrobe, what was with that blue monstrosity tonight?).

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Top Chef -- A New Season

Now that Project Runway has finished its season, time to switch to something new on Bravo. Time for Top Chef: Chicago!

The trick with shows like this is that for the first few episodes so many people are thrown your way, it's hard to remember who's who, who has talent, or even care about people because they haven't shown real personality.

The quickfire challenge was interesting, mainly because no one knew how to make deep dish pizza. However, at this point, who cares?

The elimination challenge was much better. I like when people have to compete 1-vs-1. Hate when people have to do teams. I have this theory -- with little basis -- that the winner of the first challenge makes it to the finals. It was true for Project Runway (with Rami), so we'll see if it pans out here. With that said, the winner of the first challenge was Stephanie.

Going home: Nimma. Who else saw that one coming? She was being a B, as well as antisocial.

Should be an interesting season.

In related news, I'm going to marry Padma.

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