Monday, March 3, 2008

Mick Jagger Vs. Hells Angels or Undercover Of The Night or What Happened to Sticktoitiveness?

I recently read this article about a failed assassination attempt on Mick Jagger in 1969, perpetrated by the world famous, tougher 'n hell motorcycle gang, The Hells Angels.
The article gives little insight into the botched murder. In it's tantalizing brevity, it does raise some important questions (and or statements...statements I would like to make, regarding The Hells Angels and/or Mick Jagger).

1. The Hells Angels are not very persistant.
According to the article, after the boat of assassins was scuttled and all of it's murderous crew were thrown overboard, the Angels just gave up. They didn't get back in the boat that night and keep heading towards Jagger's house in the Hamptons. They didn't head back to some grungy bar and plot something heinous for a future date, they just forgot about it. No harm no foul. They apparently letting sleeping dogs lie, ended the feud and went back to running Columbian Coke and knifing hippies.

How do you become a world famous, crazy as hell, tough as nails, insane gang known for being all-round super bad ass when you let a little bit of rough seas ruin your carefully hatched murder plot. I'm not saying that I wish they had killed Mick (although we could all live without another Rolling Stones wrinkly and old World Tour) I just kind of expected more from the Angels, that's all.

2. The Hells Angels don't plan very well.
Did no one check the weather before they got into the boat to head for Mick's mansion in the Hamptons? How bad was the weather that it actually sent everyone overboard. Did they go out in The Perfect Storm or something? I know they didn't have The Weather Channel or www.weather.com but c'mon. No one looked outside and was like...geez, the weather looks awful, let's wait a day. Or maybe...lets take a car.

Seriously, couldn't they have driven to Mick's house. I wonder if they even knew that Long Island was accessible by car (or motorcycle). Did they plan to boat on over to Long Island Marina then travel the remaining distance to Mick's home by foot?
I guess it's possible that none of them even owned cars, just extremely loud motorcycles. And I guess, unlike modern celebrities who are required to have 2 custom choppers a piece, screaming belching hogs might have raised some eyebrows with the West Egg Elites in the late 60s.

3. What Was The Boat Like?
In my mind the boat was a nautical version of a chopper. Way too loud. Ridiculous paint job. Ineffective design and impossible to use controls. All of which would explain the flipping, or submerging or whatever happened that made them call it a night. It probably had some ridiculous outboard motor with way too much horsepower, flames down the sides of it. I don't know how the controls could have come anywhere near being as impossible as those ape hanger handlebars, but something along those lines seems appropriate. They were going too fast up the face of a wave and, whoopsie, non-swimming crazy biker assassins in the drink.

I also imagine alot of wet vests and soggy handlebar moustaches, and them all moping back to have a beer, kill a hooker and give up on ever committing an act that would have approached the later assassination of John Lennon in publicity. We should all be grateful, right? I just keep wondering where the heck were the Hells Angels that I'd heard so much about.
This group of celebrity assassins were pathetic.

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