Nature is Ridiculous

I rarely, if ever, check news to make sure it is accurate (aka posted on more than one source), but regardless, I have just read the most ridiculous article posted ever in the history of the internet. Check it out. If you're too lazy, here are some highlights:

"A 75-pound stingray killed a Michigan woman Thursday when it flew out of the water and struck her face as she rode a boat in the Florida Keys, officials said."

That's the opening. Three things of note in that sentence:

• A 75-pound stingray


• '...flew out of the water...'


• A woman driver (zing!)

How can this not be the most entertaining and informative article on stingrays you've ever read? (We will not count Steve Irwin because it's still too soon for jokes.)

What I gather from this article is a stingray with a 5-6 foot wingspan jumped out of the water and it ran into the woman, killing her on impact. The article continues:

"The impact likely killed the woman, and she did not appear to have puncture wounds from the ray's barb, Pino said. An autopsy is planned, Pino said."

Now, the boat was going 25 MPH. I'm no zoologist, but I've been to Sea World and petted stingrays, and they're kind of rubbery. If it's tail -- you know, it's weapon -- wasn't the cause of death, I can't imagine this was much worse than when I played kickball in elementary school. Then again, the ball wasn't six feet wide. Maybe it'd be more like being hit by a tractor tire......

"Spotted eagle rays can weigh 500 pounds and have a wingspan of up to 10 feet. They are known to occasionally jump out of the water but are not aggressive and use the venomous barb at the end of their tail for defense."

Holy crap. 500 pounds? That is literally two Hulk Hogans. Forget Jaws, I'd rather meet him than one of these monsters any day.

"'Rays jump to escape a predator, give birth and shake off parasites," said Lynn Gear, supervisor of fishes and reptiles at Theater of the Sea in Islamorada. "They do not attack people.'"

Possibly the most fascinating part of the article. Rays jump out of water to give birth? Maybe I've been living under a rock, but this amazes me. They must have amazing timing. Imagine if humans had to do that. Women giving birth in inflatable swimming pools. 'Okay, your water broke. We have about 23 minutes. Wait for it... Wait for it... Jump! No! Too early! Jump! Keep jumping!'

Not related to the article, but on the topic of stingrays, Wikipedia says this (therefore it must be accurate): "Mating season occurs in the winter. When a male is courting a female, he will follow her closely, biting at her pectoral disc. During mating, the male will go on top of the female (his belly on her back) and put one of his two claspers into her vent."

I'm going to try to work that into everyday conversation because, as a writer, I'm all for euphemisms. You should do it too. Next time you have to talk dirty, try, "I'm going to shove my clasper into your vent." See how she reacts, and definitely get back to me.