The Other Boleyn Girl

Tonight, despite my better judgment, I was at a showing of 'The Other Boleyn Girl.' Writer Peter Morgan had a fantastic year in 2006 ('The Queen' and 'The Last King of Scotland'), so I figured he may be able to overcome the handicap of a lukewarm cast -- including Eric Bana, Natalie Portman, and Scarlett Johansson.

Now, I've taken enough British literature and history classes that I should know the monarchy from top to bottom in my sleep, but alas, it sieves through my memory like the thinest of sand. However, in this case the subject matter is more familiar than most. The story centers around King Henry -- the one who had a reputation for decapitating his wives when they could not give him a male heir. It is no spoiler that in one of the final scenes Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman) has her head cut off center stage.

This is not a movie review... not completely. What I will say is that the problem with the movie was this: Despite a good cast, as much as I wanted to get into the movie, it constantly felt like a drag through history class instead of a movie experience. It was almost like watching a documentary. And I'm fine with documentaries... when I want to watch a documentary. I understand Peter Morgan's obligation to stick to the ropes of history, but if you're going to change a few details, why not go all-out to make the story better? Go big or go home, I say.

The most interesting part of the movie, by far, was watching Anne Boleyn slither her way into the bed of the king, manipulating everyone around her. Unfortunately that was not enough to carry the movie.

What I really think is interesting... well, here's a quick rundown according to the movie (so don't yell at me if I'm wrong).

Henry was married to his Queen, who could produce no male heir.
He impregnated Mary (Scarlet Johansson) for a male heir, but Anne seduced him and convinced him to make Mary's child a bastard ("Never speak to her again").
Mary denied him and denied him, until Henry went mad -- divorcing his Queen, separating from the Catholic church in Rome, and marrying Anne. He realized his mistake fairly soon, but hoped for a masculine child. Their first child was female (the future Queen Elizabeth, I think).
He gave her a second chance. This time she miscarried. Shortly thereafter he had Anne beheaded.

Here's the twist -- you figure it's a 50/50 chance of a child's gender (right?), so what if Anne's first child had been a boy? Would their marriage have lasted? Would he have dealt with their unhappiness for the sake of the future king? How would he have ruled differently than Elizabeth? Surely it would've been a very different angle. Would they have had more kids (boys, girls, doesn't matter)?

Is it bad that I care more about what could have happened historically if a potential coin toss turned up differently? Maybe, maybe not. But if you're considering seeing this movie, I'd wait for DVD. Watch a much better movie about the monarchy, like, I don't know, 'The Queen.'